How to Speak East Texan

I have had the pleasure of spending a great deal of time in Waco this week for work.  One of my coworkers is from East Texas and is chock full of colorful sayings.  I couldn't help but jot them down to share with you (I plan to practice in my spare time so I can fit in better).

What to say when:

• Something is really slow - "That ____ is about as fast as a three-legged dog."
• Someone/thing is kinda shady - "____ is as crooked as a dog's hind leg."
• You are really busy - "As a busy as a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest."
• Something looks messy - "Looks like a bull's butt sewed up with a grapevine."
• You are wishing too hard for things - "If a frog had wings he wouldn't bust his butt everytime he jumped."
• You are frightened, you may be... - "Scareder than a long tailed car in a room full of rockers."
• You aren't feeling well - "I feel like a dying calf in a hailstorm".
•  NOTE - The best part of this saying is the explanation: "think about it, you feel like crap and things keep hitting you in the side."
• You look stupid - "I look like a jackass eating briars."
• You feel perplexed - "...like a bull looking at a bastard calf."
• You are nervous - "Shaking like a cat trying to pass a peach seed."
• Something's really good - "So good it could make a squirrel fight a bulldog."
• Something is unpleasant - "It could gag a maggot."
• Things have gone awry - "When the ox gets stuck in the ditch."

  I bet Mr. S hasn't learned these cool phrases at his fancy-schmancy linguistics school!